Hey there, Microsoft.  I think you and I need to have a small chat about yesterday.  I'm hoping that as the VP of the greatest .NET user group in North American history - as well as your close personal friend - that I have a chance of you listening to me. 

Yesterday, the band of brothers went marching in the icy wastes of Edmonton to the Microsoft “Ready for a New Day” Vista launch.  Probably the first harbinger of the day to come was my leaving my fly open while waltzing out in -20 degree weather but noticing it at a point where adjusting myself likely would have caused some traffic accidents. Unfortunately, I can also tell you that nearly freezing my genitals off was the most exciting part of my day, aside from the EDMUG group playing "pair solitaire" on a Vista box. Why was this, Microsoft, on what I had heard was the biggest single launch day in your history?

Your keynote.

To say that the keynote was a disappointment is probably a little unfair. So instead, let’s say that your keynote sucked my will to live straight out of the pupils of my eyes.

It started well enough. An unusually well-dressed speaker came up to chat with the 1200 of us for a while about how Vista would change the world, ya da ya da and we were all still excited. Then you introduced one of your partners to presumably give a Vista testimonial.

Said half hour testimonial didn’t mention Vista once or how it would help, but it DID teach me:

• that “Growth Begins With Unmatched Customer Value”
  
• to “Show up where growth happens”
  
• “Our management discipline study revealed that consistent growth demands diversified growth opportunities”
  
• “Customer value is the key to double-digit growth”

• Why was this man gradually stripping off his clothing while talking to us? Was he a student of the Rockarts method of presentation?
• Aren’t these just meaningless business platitudes, obvious to anyone educated beyond a Grade 5 level?
• Most importantly, WTF did any of this have to do with Windows Vista?

Microsoft, you made me sit through nearly 25 minutes of this. The only “highlight” of this presentation was when your partner launched into a sad story about his lack of dating ability in college, in an attempt to curry favor with the developers in the crowd. Allow me to return the favor with an obvious fact of my own:

you will always have trouble getting dates when you have a porn star moustache.

Not the presenter referred to above, but all moustache dudes look the same anyway

Perhaps my problems with the keynote are my fault, Microsoft.  After all, I made the mistake of thinking that it would mainly have something to do with Windows Vista. You might be familiar with this, Microsoft, because it is the product you launched yesterday. Admittedly, you spent about 15 minutes or so on Outlook Voice Access, Smart Art in Powerpoint, and Flip3D, all of which had the audience excited and murmuring. The data visualizers in Excel had the audience ready to have a collective orgasm. I would maybe advise that when presenting a new OS, you don’t have one of your keynote presenters say, “Well, I won’t wait for this to finish loading” as it gives me a bad feeling re: speed, but that’s just me.

Microsoft, you need to thank God above that you have someone like John Bristowe who bravely attempted to resurrect the excitement of the day after your keynote pretty much singlehandedly destroyed everyone’s desire to go on living. But not even John and his odd fascination with the “attractive designer guy” with his “purty mouth” and leather shirt on his presentation slides could rescue me from the spirit-crushing assault of your keynote.  (On a side note, why does Microsoft think all "designers" look either like hippies or people coming from a BDSM bar?)  Not even the entertainment value of James Kovacs wandering around the floor telling people, "This tag says "Expert", bitches!  Now go get me some croissants!" could keep my spirits roused.

This is mu ultimatum to you, Microsoft!  If you want to keep going out with me, you’re going to have to stop with the bait and switch and start putting out.  I can't go my whole life without any action from you!