All right, now that many others have chimed in with their review, I am going to give you the review you've all been waiting for...the only review you actually *NEED TO READ* before you see this movie.  The kind of *completely rewritten* review that you deserve.  Samuel L Jackson, if you're reading this, all has been forgiven, brother!!  We are best friends forever.


Like many great duos of our time - peanut butter and chocolate, myself and Mrs. L, the Smurfs and complete devastation, Chapters bookstores and flame - snakes and planes are such a natural combination that you're left wondering why no one thought of putting them together prior to this.

Another rule of life: If you have a great combination, adding Samuel L Jackson will only make it better.

Think about it.  Samuel L. Jackson eating a Reese Peanut Butter cup.  Samuel L. Jackson bombing the Smurfs village.  Samuel L. Jackson setting the Chapters bookstore on fire!!  Samuel L. Jackson, myself, and Mrs. L walking down the pier to the strains of "Come and Knock On Our Door".  *All* of these are visual and aural tours de force, and that's all because of the Ruby-like mixin of Samuel L Jackson to the original concept.

So you can understand that I had some unnaturally high expectations for this movie.  I declared in the lineup that I expected every 5 minutes of this movie to contain either a hilarious joke, unnatural death due to snake, or a moment that inspired me to change my life a la when I first watched The Hurricane.  However, this might have been aiming a *little* high, as you'll read.

Do you like seeing Samuel L Jackson shouting swears while roasting snakes with a makeshift flamethrower?  Do you like watching an asian gangster beat up a guy with a bat, pausing to yell "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" between swings?  Do you like cliched, cardboard cut-outs of characters?  Do you like seeing the Igloo Coder hiding under his chair in a state of abject terror?  Well, my friend, if you do, then I highly advise seeing this movie. 

You might have noticed an oddity in that sentence.  Yes, believe it or not, Donald and I were seen in the same place at the same time at a social event - in fact, I invited him to come with us.  Even though we were actually in a group of 10 people, Donald chose to focus on this to the exlcusion of all else.  Let me tell you, there aren't too many things more awkward than Donald with his arm around you, screaming "This is Justice Gray...my *friend*!!!" with tears running down his face.  Except maybe when he is doing this *mid-movie*. 

However, this post is not titled "Awkward Moments with Donald" for a reason - lack of hosting space.  Although speaking of awkward, if you are going this weekend, you should be mentally prepared for an onslaught of nerds like you've never seen before.  It was like we were part of a Star Trek convention or something.  Comic book shirts, stuffed snakes, 25% of the attendees playing Nintendo DS, neckbeards on men and women alike, and the highlight: someone shouting so passionately about Transformers that it even almost made *me* uncomfortable.  This was something Triumph the Insult Comic Dog should've seen.  I had thought, deep inside, that the people who would be attending opening night of a movie called "Snakes on a Plane" would be *MY PEOPLE*.  Let me tell you, it would have been like holding a dark mirror up to my soul had I not been wearing the hottest shirt in the place. 


Another important note: the second last-row of seats in the South Edmonton Common theatre has a *ton* of extra leg room.  Some people don't understand how awesome this is; the only people who disagreed were Stan and Dr. Teeth but I guess they just wanted some place to sit together so they could make out.  I also need to mention that due to the reclining backs of the bucket seats, there were no tragic @$$-numbing like previous events I've been to.  There should be reclining bucket seats at *every* major event.

As for the movie?  Trust me, you're getting a heck of a lot for your $11 Cdn.  You get Samuel L Jackson in the best self-parody since Will Shatner.  You get snakes clinging onto genitals.  You get pulsing, pus-filled snake bites.  You even get a *SNAKE CAM*.  And most importantly...you get a movie that makes absolutely no fricking sense at all.  None.  Trust me, you're not going to get another opportunity to see a 1 hour and 40 minutes of straight WTF unless you come to see Donald's presentation at EDMUG this Thursday.  Whatever time this movie doesn't spend on snakes, it has the characters telling *each other* how this movie lacks even basic coherency.  Listen to me, if you have ever been trying to kick hallucinogens but can't figure out a good substitute, go see this movie.  I left thinking that maybe it wasn't just the snakes that were on crack.  That's right, in this movie the snakes are on crack.  No, I'm *not* kidding, and I'm not worried about spoiling this story point either; absolutely *no one* is going to this movie looking for an intricately woven plot.