If you're like me, either life-changing experiences are pretty much everyday occurences for you, or you just have a really low standard for what you consider life-altering; I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to determine which one actually describes my life.  But today is the day that I come clean to my readers and let them know all about the deep, dark secret I have carried with me for more than a year.  Actually, scratch that, because it's pretty hard to consider a wallet the size of a small asteroid a secret.

For whatever reason ("the brain damage" seems as likely a reason as any) I carried around this behemoth for years, until the issue came to a dramatic head when my wife actually suggested that I get myself a *man-purse*.  I took to this suggestion with the same level of enthusiasm you'd expect if she had suggested I chop off my manhood with a cleaver*.   However, carrying around my baseball-cut wallet wasn't an appropriate solution either; my wife was tired of keeping my wallet in her purse, and I was tired of having to rummage in there in public to get it out.  

Now for the life-changing part.

After much cajoling, after much arguing, after a lot of tears (maybe some were mine...I'm a sensitive guy), I *did* get a man-purse, pictured below:



Wouldn't you know it, I absolutely *love* this thing.  Far from it being a detriment to dignity, this thing is the greatest enhancement to my masculinity I could've ever asked for.  I firmly believe that all the man-bag (not "man-purse") haters out there simply have a bad case of jealousy; after all, it takes a special kind of man to pull this off, and not everybody is that man.  Finally, a place to hold all of my hair-care product!  I have never made a cooler purchase in my lifetime (except for the time I paid off those border guards, but I don't think I'm allowed to talk about that anymore).  I am coming out of the closet, so to speak - man-bags *RULE*.

So, with that in mind, a question for all of you out there:

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?  There is *no* way I would *ever* buy a man-purse!!  If there is a greater assault on the face of basic human self-respect, I am incapable of imagining it.  Men, let me tell you something: I would just as soon go with the cleaver option mentioned above as I would buy a man-purse, because the two situations are *synonymous*.  Anyone who tells you a man-purse is cool is lying, because there is nothing cool about a man-purse**.  Even someone like myself can't pull off the impossible without losing every last shred of masculinity I possess.   

However, rather than pick me up the monstrosity that men call the "murse" and thus ensure a hasty separation, my wife *was* good enough to buy me a bi-fold wallet this weekend!  I cannot express how completely and totally awesome this was of her.  Let me give you all some advice:  NEVER buy a tri-fold wallet.  Sure, you might think "Oh, it's more functional", or "I can finally put my collection of Post-It Notes in here".  But before you know it, you're carrying around a mini-murse, people are throwing rotting vegetables at you and you can't figure out why.  

The most shocking discovery?  My bi-fold wallet, even when filled up with cards, is still thinner than my completely empty tri-fold.

Since I burned my Costanza wallet shortly after receipt of this new one, I can't provide you with a side-by-side comparison.  However, I was able to put together a *very* close simulation:


Trust me when I tell you that the feeling of being able to fit a wallet in your back pocket without ripping your pants in two is transcendental.  Finally, I have recovered my self-esteem and my parents are returning my phone calls, and it's all due to this bi-fold.  My dad says it's just because they don't want to pay to call-block my number anymore.  Heh, my dad - what a kidder!

*which, for those confused, means not terribly enthused.
**If this phrase gave you deja vu, you're not alone - I believe there was a commercial made on this topic years ago!