"But this isn't on a Saturday!"  No it is not.  However, I am a wild man and wild men do not worry about silly things like timetables and regularly scheduled events; no, the only things men like me worry about are

1. being rugged
2. being manly
3. being ruggedly manly

The reason I am doing the next installment in this series early (or is that a month and a half late?  SHUT UP)  is for the same reason I do *anything*: Justice Gray is a humanitarian force of nature.   Recently I was disturbed to find the following twitter from someone who admires me greatly:

What a surprise:

1. Justice Gray takes a break from posting for a month
2. Scott Hanselman tells the world he is fat, curls up with a box of Oreo Cakesters
3. Microsoft releases some "Windows 7 House Party" videos that target the sought-after demographic of middle-aged women who have more cats than they do friends.

Seriously, it is bedlam out here and I can only hold my lack of posting responsible. 
      
Scott, my friend I am here to tell you that you are correct - your morbid obesity stops here, and it stops now.  And it stops now because I am going to remotely train you into the he-beast that you were always meant to be.  Trust me, following my patented advice week in and week out you will have completely transformed yourself for the better by the end of this year!  And we'll start with one of the most patented moves in my training arsenal, a little thing I call the Justice Gray Caesar Cleanse. 

Now, some of you fat slobs out there might think that the idea of a cleanse to get you ripped is lunacy.   In my naive days before I became a physical powerhouse, I would've thought so too.  I used to think the way to getting ripped was simply:
20% exercise
80% diet

but according to the good personal trainers on the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line, the *true* way to getting ripped is actually:
15% exercise
35% diet
50% detox/cleansing

Lucky for you, if *you* are on a Royal Caribbean Cruise you can even take a "cleansing class" for the low price of $300 US!!  But this post isn't about Royal Caribbean, this post is about getting jacked.  And ripped.  In that exact order!

The Justice Gray Caesar Cleanse technique, much like Tetris, is simple to learn but hard to master.  Its mystical origins date back more than a month ago to a wedding that I attended that had a free bar.  Pay attention closely:

1. Have a Caesar
2. Drink the Caesar
3. Go to the bar and get another Caesar
4. Repeat steps 1-3 twelve times
5. Use your seductive charm to get the bartenders to give you an extra-large triple Caesar
6. Repeat steps 2-3

The important part is to make sure you do this in a very short time frame.  The shorter the better - then the magic occurs!  I'm not going to go into the details of how a "cleanse" works for you readers, I trust you know how to Google for this kind of stuff but let me tell you after I got back to the hotel room the pounds dropped off.  Heck, I'm not even sure I have a lower intestine anymore and my liver probably has some issues but look, details like this don't mean a thing when you want to get jacked.  And ripped. 

Coming next week, maybe we'll discuss doing 3000 reps in a *row* of bicep curls and then bench pressing a building over your head, or maybe the benefits of drinking nothing but eggs and cream for three weeks solid - who knows, I am a maniac.   The important part is that at the end of this series, Scott Hanselman will be strapping on the wrestling trunks and posing down at a conference near you.    That is my solemn promise!!  I've even made up a special image for Scott to hang on his wall for inspiration while he becomes 600 *THOUSAND* pounds of lean muscle.

The original cage fighter

I was in the checkout line at the grocery store last week, leafing through the Archie Digest when I heard the squeak of a lesser man's voice.  I turned to find the grocery clerk gesturing at my bags, asking "Sir, do you need any help taking these out to your car?" 

I put the Archie Digest back without paying for it like any man with the testosterone of one thousand rampaging bulls would do.  Then I looked at him, flexed my massive arms, and snarled, "Do I *look* like I need any help?"  The clerk immediately soiled himself and dropped into the fetal position.  You might ask me why I was so callous to take an action that obviously mentally broke this man forever, never to recover.  And I would simply answer this is what a cage fighter does.

That is the point of this series - and as an aside, my wife asked me what indicated something like *this* would be a series, and my answer is simple - this post title ends with the word "Introduction".  Obvious to the trained reader!  Anyway, the point of this series is to give you some exposure into what it's like to be a man like me, who pretty much fights in kumates every single night.  Sometimes they are physical kumates, sometimes they are software development kumates, and sometimes they are kumates on the dance floor, but nevertheless my record is currently one billion to zero. 

People think being a cage fighter/kumate master is not all fun and games, but trust me when I say it is.  Just look at the fun Steven Seagal has in any of his multitude of movies from the 90s.  Little known secret: if you have ever seen any Steven Seagal movie, you have seen something loosely based on my everyday exploits.  That is, except for the one where he is in a coma for 10 years straight, then comes out of it one day and *immediately* starts beating the crap out of people with hospital utilities - that is actually a complete rip off of my life from the ages of 7 to 17. 

Each week or so, we will be exploring the following topics:

• I will regale you with an amazing story of my ferocious physicality
• You will marvel at this feat and make a mental note never to tell your wives, girlfriends or pets about this blog lest you destroy your relationship forever
• On certain installments, you might be lucky enough to get a fitness tip that will lead you - should you choose, no, dare to implement it - to become a raging 1% body fat, 575 thousand pound engine of destruction

A disclaimer:

This is not some series for nancy boys who like charting waist-to-hip ratios, so if you're busy counting calories on FitDay, telling your developer friends how that cheesecake went straight to your thighs, gorging on McDonalds each weekend and then crying your eyes out under a pile of pizza boxes, I recommend you unsubscribe from this blog immediately.  Instead, if you are looking to become the He-Man or She-Ra of your friends and peers so that like them, you will be ripped and toned enough to wear bondage gear in public without the slightest hint of embarassment, this is the place to be!!