Metrosexual
Not a metrosexual
Welcome to the series that you have begged for since this blog's inception!!
I've been away from blogging for a little while until recently. Most of that time was simply spent making out with my hot wife, walking around Stanley Park, and saving more companies from themselves through innovative and energizing strategy and software development techniques. However, I did get the occasional day to lurk on Twitter, read some blogs and see how people were doing. One flattering trend I started noticing was "metrosexuality" had become the in thing with software developers. Welcome to 5 years ago, guys! =) To anyone who has followed this blog on any regular basis, Justice Gray being a cultural force is no surprise. I bought a nice green Macbook Pro and then all of a sudden everyone needed to get *anything* manufactured by Apple. I proclaimed Javascript the hero of development languages and Microsoft embraced my message. It was really only a matter of time that software developers around the world would also try their hands at becoming "Metro". Truly, that would have been fantastic and a realization of my dream to drag the rest of the industry into being sexy by force.
Unfortunately, this initial wave of flattery dissipitated as I realized - to my shock and consternation - that the average North American Software Developer does not understand what the term "metrosexual" actually means.
As of the moment of writing this post, I have a count of 4 metrosexual developers in our industry, all of whom were "met" before this blog even existed:
This is tragic. Before any of you start rushing my apartment building with torches and pitchforks, it's my firm hope and belief that one day I can add more names to this list and edit this post; however right now this is the extent of male metrosexualism in our industry. If this isn't the greatest modern travesty since the ALT.NET community decided that referring to people in Star Wars terminology was a great idea, I don't know what is).
I could blame major dev conferences for refusing to promote my "How to Be a Better Looking Developer" seminar, but I am a man's man and when you are a man's man you accept responsibility for your mistakes. So, get ready for the sentence you are going to see for the first and *ONLY* time in Gray's Matter history:
This is all my fault and I accept full responsibility for it.
Yes, this blog has done a *terrible* job in explaining how to become a metrosexual. This is because I had taken for granted that the average software developer knew that metrosexuality isn't buzz cutting your hair with a weed whacker, lathering it with an entire bottle of Dep Gel, and then telling all your friends, "I'm a metrosexual". This was a gross miscalculation on my part which I am rectifying as of today. First of all, just to be clear, wanting to be me is a laudable goal, but impossible. Thus, I can understand everyone's desire to be able to call themselves "metro", since it's as close as you're going to get to unbridled greatness!!
Since you all want to be "metro"s the least I can do is give you some sort of guidance so that you *can* become metrosexuals*. Thus I have decided to debut this weekly (monthly? yearly?) series to finally fulfill my responsibility as the Moses of metrosexuality, leading you all from the dark ages of:
- jogging pants
- black T-shirts
- oversized polo golf T-shirts with IT logos on them
- soft-soled lace-up walking loafers
into the promised land of:
- looking good,
- looking HOT
- looking ridiculously hot
- getting paid loads more money than your homelier looking colleagues
- finally getting the respect and admiration of both your peers *and* the opposite sex
- not getting laughed at behind your back because you use the term "manscaping", not realizing everybody knows you only learned that term when Bruno was released in theatres!!
Today, my friends, is only the introduction because that's really all that you're able to handle. Take the next 7 days out to say goodbye to your loved ones, to tell them you're going on a journey, to tell them that the person they loved is dead, and is being replaced by someone who is not only a better dresser, but a better person overall.
But a word of warning:
- if you don't like the idea of looking dapper
- if you don't think the idea of getting sexually accosted every time you walk outside is for you
- if you for any reason whatsoever think you can avoid burning that decrepit black Microsoft polo shirt and still become a "met"
- if you don't want to change your life forever
Then this series is not for you.
Next Friday.
* This, of course, assumes that being a metrosexual is something one can become rather than something one just *is*, but I'll leave that debate alone and just mention that I've worked miracles before
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