Fresh out of jail and looking for love!!!

Okay, so I'm not actually fresh out of jail (though I *have* watched Oz on Showcase, so I know what it's like!!) No doubt this news comes as a shattering disappointment to most of you...I mean, who *isn't* looking for a newly escaped convict on here?

Although I'm not currently under investigation by the authorities, I do have at least one thing that I feel makes me irresistable: morbid obesity. For certain, 450 pounds on anyone looks pretty *hot*, but I've been told that at 5 foot 3, this certainly makes me a sight to see! I can warn you that on the rare times I leave my parent's basement and go strolling outside with my pink & green polyester pants on, I get *quite* the number of looks from both women *and* men alike!!

I prefer not to think of myself as "hygenic", but "efficient" instead. Quite frankly, having a shower means getting undressed and taking away from the time I endlessly spend surfing the Internet. But before you start to think I have poor personal grooming habits, I should add that I do shower at least once a week or so, normally on the weekends.

Interests: I don't really have a lot. Ditto for goals and aspirations. I mean, a 37 year old man staying in his parent's basement playing video games all day? I obviously already have everything I've ever dreamed about already; why shoot for anything more? In addition, I have a real love for obscure music: I'm not talking "Erykah Badu" obscure (is Erykah Badu even considered obscure?) but more along the lines of Monday Michiru, Nnenna Freelon, that kind of thing. Although I admit that I'm a pretty big fan of most of George Michael's work ("the WHAM rap" being a significant exception).

And with the above entry, I made my first foray into the fascinating world of Lavalife in an attempt to win the bet I described in part one of this saga.

I'll be honest with you - when I first went onto Lavalife, I didn't really take it too seriously.  Unwittingly, this worked to my advantage becuase pretty much everyone else on there takes Lavalife way *TOO* seriously.   It seems that in a world full of profiles like "PLEASE END MY LONELINESS" or "This is my last chance at happiness" that people found the story of a fat wanna-be ex-convict to be a refreshing change of pace.

To my surprise at the time, this profile received a lot of replies!  But they were not all winners.  You see, there are really two callses of people that visit Lavalife; those that are on Lavalife because it's their choice, and those that are on Lavalife because they have no other choice.  But maybe I'm wrong - who wouldn't want to date winners like:

"I'M REALLY 35 YEARS OLD BUT I PUT 23 BECAUSE MY FRIENDS TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE I'M 18 - NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT A CAPS LOCK KEY IS ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!?!"

or

someone with a headline of "Tired of meeting losers and @$$holes" who started her profile with,

"I'm really tired of meeting guys who are superficial and only judge me for my looks...BTW, I'm tired of having to tell everybody this after a couple of E-mails, so here it is.  If you don't make over 6 figures, DON'T BOTHER MAILING - I need to know I'm going to be treated right!"

One of my personal favorites was the woman with whom I had the following exchange:

"Hey, your profile was hilarious!!  Give me a message sometime =) =) =)"
J: "Hey, thanks for the compliment - I just wanted to let you know I'm a little busy but that I'll reply to you as soon as I can!"
(literally 3 min later)
"Hey, this is going to sound kind of weird but I feel like I've known you all of my life.  Can I get your phone number and call you??"
J: "Uh...look, I'm not really comfortable giving out my phone number after only one E-mail"
"YOU'RE SUCH AN @$$h0le!!!  Why does this *always* happen to me??!!  Forget it, you [expletive deleted] [another expletive deleted] [one more expletive for good measure]"
(5 min later)
Same woman: "Okay, look, I overreacted, but I just...I just feel like we *KNOW* each other!!  I still want to talk, can you forgive me for being mad?!?!"
J: (blocks profile)

You get the picture.  

I was ready to write this off as a failed experiment until I happened to find myself overdosed on Neo Citran one night and saw the profile that quite literally altered the course of my life forever.  She was from both Hong Kong and Edmonton at the same time, and she was also *ridiculously hot*, and unlike many other situations in my life, it had *nothing* to do with teh cold medication.  Inspired, I typed as I had never typed before.  Hilarious, flirty, and sexy - I was on a roll.  Truly this was the greatest E-mail I had ever written down - *a guaranteed score*.  With that, I hit the send button...

...and discovered that my session had expired.

Yes, this was *before* the days of gmail and its glorious autosave.  All of my words - lost *forever*.  And worse, by now the Neo Citran was kicking in hardocre and I was getting tired.  So, instead of writing the whole thing, I wrote something starting like:

"Hey, I just wrote you the BEST EMAIL EVER but its gone now and there is NO WAY I'm writing it again.  Just pretend it was amazing, you were seduced by my wit and WHOOOOOO I am so light-headed right now.  I just want you to know that if this seems unclear I am on a LOT OF DRUGS right now.  Not those kind of drugs!  Just Neo Citran and it is SOOOO GOOOOOOOOOD..."


This was not the E-mail you would associate with a MASTER SEDUCER like yours truly.  But apparently chicks get hot for drug-addled confusion and random E-mail screaming, because not more than a day later I had my first reply from the hot Asian woman who was teaching in Hong Kong but had an apartment in Edmonton, and a budding long-distance romance was born.  A *long* long-distance romance.  A *two-year* long-distance romance!  My wife visited twice and I visited her once in Hong Kong, but other than that our time together was limited to MSN video chats, E-mails and the occasional 3 AM phone call.  But it was worth it in the end - she came back to Edmonton after those two years and one year after her return, we were married!  

I've never been happier to lose a bet.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!