Gray's Matter
Justice Gray - North America's favorite metrosexual software consultant

I Wish These People Updated More Than Once a Year

A co-worker of mine yesterday asked me what it takes to truly be happy.  That's a tough question!  I mean, I read The Happiness Project in addition to a bunch of other productivity-related blogs, but even a cursory skim through these proves that "The Happiness Question" has no definitive answer...

...until *now*.  Rather than give you some theories on what you need for a jubilant existence, I am going to give the cold, hard, icy facts.  Yes, I am going to tell you *all* of the secrets to sparkling satisfaction, and I'm not even going to charge you $500 for it.  I'm giving it all away here, *free*, in this post.  I bet you're cheering up already!

So what do you need to be happy?

1.  Spinning Rims

Seriously, who *doesn't* like spinning rims?  There is nothing that cheers me up more than witnessing some rapidly rotating chrome going down the street.  Now, I *know* that you're thinking this is a ridiculous answer, simply because I've excluded anyone who doesn't own a car; however, you don't need a car to enjoy the "happy power" of spinning rims.  Wear one on a chain around your neck!  Tie one on either side of your legs!  Or, if you're *really* stuck on having them as part of a vehicle, you can always just put them on your mountain bike like so. 

Mountain Bike with Spinning Rims
This makes me happy just looking at it!

Trust me, if you're looking to be content with your life, spinning rims are an essential part of the equation.  How you get them and where you put them are your own business!

2.  Regular rest

Our media definitely tends to glorify lack of sleep, even though the literature and studies surrounding sleep emphasize that the average person needs *at least* 6 to 8 hours of sleep per day.  Even if you *think* you're okay with less than this, you aren't - in addition to weakening your immune system and making you a cranky bastard, sleep deficits can also cause obesity and weaken your cogntiive functions.  If you need an alarm clock to wake up every day, you're not getting enough.  I actually use a Soleil Solar Alarm Clock that doesn't ring but awakes me with natural light.  It's a little bit pricy but trust me, I would pay any price to have a good rest and a decent awakening.


3.  Giant gold chains

They are smart and sexy - a hot look for any season.  Worried about what to wear with them?  Don't!!  Massive gold chains go with pretty much anything.  Whether it be a classy custom-tailored suit, a T-shirt, or no shirt at all, gold chains large enough to kill a small animal will *make* your outfit.  Depressed?  Put on those massive chains and start wandering through some of the "bad areas" of your city to fight crime.  I guarantee you'll forget about your troubles before too long.

Mr T - Gold Chains
You know why this guy is smiling!

4.  Proper hydration

How much water do you drink a day?  Most people, sadly, only drink about 1-2 cups of water a day when they actually should be drinking somewhere in the range of 8-10 cups a day.  For those who are not mathematically inclined, that's a minimum of 2 litres a day.  Water helps clear your system of waste, clears your skin, and generally elevates your enegry levels.  Many times when you have a headache, feel hungry, or feel tired, it's actually just dehydration!  As well, water is *free*!  If you want to look and feel younger and happier without spending any money, this is the #1 way to go.

5.  Being ridiculously good-looking

Derek Zoolander
You'd be happy too, if you looked like this

It's easy to be pleased with yourself if you look awesome all the time.  Derek Zoolander did it and the guy could barely stay angry at anyone for longer than 10 seconds!  When you look great, you don't really care about the rest of the world and it's troubles - after all, you're too busy admiring yourself in the mirror and feeling great about your fantastic hair.  Unfortunately, if you're bowling shoe ugly, there's not too much you can do here.  Although you might be able to help yourself out by getting...

6.  Regular exercise

You've seen the smiles on Dexter Jackson and Ronnie Coleman from my previous postings.  There is nothing like being 760 lbs of ripped muscle to give you a joie de vivre like never before.  Even if - goodness forbid - you're not looking to be as large as a half-ton truck, going to the gym for about 30-40 minutes a day to do some strength training and cardiovascular exercise is still beneficial.  You'll look better, you'll feel better, you'll speed up your metabolism, and you'll reduce your chance of illness.  Seriously, just do a search on the benefits of weight training/regular exercise.  There's such a wealth of evidence for the benefits of this I don't think I need to go on - just do a search for "benefits of exercise".  And the more you work out, the more you'll benefit from:

7.  Arm tassels and face paint

Sometimes being happy means making other people happy, and nothing makes other people more happy than seeing someone running down on the street with a painted face and arm tassels tied to their swelling biceps.  Trust me, if you do this (especially in conjunction with #3) you will get an *unprecendented* amount of smiles and cheerful laughter.  Wrestling trunks are an optional part of the look, but I would advise pants if you're planning on running around like this outside - you'd be surprised at how cold it can get in the winter. 

Can a person *get* any more joyful than this?

8.  Eating healthy

If you are looking to feel better, I would suggest cutting out the junk.  Even without exercise, cleaning up your diet will make you feel lighter and give you a clearer head.  High sugar drinks and high sugar food in particular give you a short-term energy spike that leaves you crashing a couple of hours later.  That McDonalds double quarter pounder with the extra-large fries may taste good in the short-term, but all it's going to do for you after is give you massive gastric distress and some extra inches on the waistline.  In conjuction with #6 (and possibly #7), you have a serious winning combination for happiness power.

Trust me, it ain't worth it

9.  Robot dogs

When it seems like even all of the above just don't do it, there's always the classic fallback; the robot puppy.    They have all of the cuddle and charm of normal dogs without the possibility of them shedding, randomly defecating, or ripping a toddler's arm off!  Unlike a real dog, turning them off is simple and won't get you arrested if you do it yourself.  These two alone should be enough to convince you to invest in an AIBO A.S.A.P, but I've saved the best quality for last: your happiness grows exponentially with the more AIBOS you have.  If you think just *one* AIBO would please you, an entire *fleet* of AIBOs ready to do your bidding will make you positively giddy!


A logical tautology for all you comp sci geeks out there: All real dogs = totally lame, all robot dogs = totally rad. 

10.  A crapload of money

Some say that "money can't buy happiness".  They are liars.    First off, even if money did not make you happy (and it does), it completely beats the crap out of living in poverty-stricken squalor.  We can all agree on that, right?  Can you seriously tell yourself that you would be happier if you had to bow out of a Hawaii trip because you couldn't afford it?  Does *anyone* out there enjoy being trapped by their finances for most of their natural lives? 

Trust me, even if having money itself doesn't make you happy, money can indirectly take care of those things that will make you happier.   After all, those spinning rims and massive gold chains aren't free; and it's not like quality arm tassels and face paint are cheap!

Still doubting me?  Does *this* look like the face of a guy who is sad to be rich beyond belief?
Scrooge McDuck - avatar of happiness

I didn't think so.

In conclusion

In your grubby little hands you now hold all the keys to unlimited ecstacy...except one.  I was going to keep it to myself, but why bring you just short of the mountain top without taking you all the way? Here follows the final step to eternal bliss:

11.  Giving *me* a crapload of money

Did you feel that this series of several steps to happiness helped you?  Did it touch you deep a *sexy* way?  If so, then you no doubt want to thank me for giving you the guide to living the rest of your life, and probably by sending me a bunch of money.  But I'm a generous guy; if you are planning on donating -
through Paypal, send to - I think it's only fair I give you something in exchange.  For your donation, not only will *you* get a signed and autographed picture of myself, but depending on the donation size I will send you a "Potential Friend of Justice Gray" certificate~!  Ask around, there is pretty much *nothing* that makes people happier than being considered on my list of could-be friends, except maybe actually *being* my friend!  But making this donation and possibly getting that certification is really the next best thing.  

Have a great day, and I look forward to hearing feedback as to how this advice has changed your life forever!! 

Friday, 01 September 2006 #