A co-worker of mine yesterday asked me what it takes to truly be happy. That's a tough
question! I mean, I read The Happiness Project
in addition to a bunch of other productivity-related blogs, but
even a cursory skim through these proves that
"The Happiness Question" has no definitive answer...
...until *now*. Rather than give you some theories on what you need for a jubilant existence, I am going to give the cold, hard, icy facts. Yes, I am going to tell you *all* of the secrets to sparkling satisfaction, and I'm not even going to charge you $500 for it. I'm
giving it all away here, *free*, in this post. I bet you're cheering up already!
So what do you need to be happy?
1. Spinning Rims
Seriously, who *doesn't* like spinning rims? There is nothing that
cheers me up more than witnessing some rapidly rotating chrome going
down the street. Now, I *know* that you're thinking this is a
ridiculous answer, simply because I've excluded anyone who doesn't own
a car; however, you don't need a car to enjoy the "happy power" of
spinning rims. Wear one on a chain around your neck! Tie one on
either side of your legs! Or, if you're *really* stuck on having them
as part of a vehicle, you can always just put them on your mountain
bike like so.
This makes me happy just looking at it!
Trust me, if you're looking to be content with your life, spinning rims
are an essential part of the equation. How you get them and where you put them are
your own business!
2. Regular rest
Our media definitely tends to glorify lack of sleep, even though the
literature and studies surrounding sleep emphasize that the average
person needs *at least* 6 to 8 hours of sleep per day. Even if you
*think* you're okay with less than this, you aren't - in addition to
weakening your immune system and making you a cranky bastard, sleep
deficits can also cause obesity and weaken your cogntiive functions. If you need an alarm clock to wake up every day, you're not getting enough.
I actually use a Soleil Solar Alarm Clock
that doesn't ring but awakes me with natural light.
It's a little bit pricy but trust me, I would pay any price to have a good rest and a decent awakening.
3. Giant gold chains
They are smart and sexy - a hot look for any season. Worried about
what to wear with them? Don't!! Massive gold chains go with pretty
. Whether it be a classy custom-tailored suit, a
T-shirt, or no shirt at all, gold chains large enough to kill a small
animal will *make* your outfit. Depressed? Put on those massive
chains and start wandering through some of the "bad areas" of your city
to fight crime. I guarantee
you'll forget about your troubles before
You know why this guy is smiling!
4. Proper hydration
How much water do you drink a day? Most people, sadly, only drink
about 1-2 cups of water a day when they actually should be drinking
somewhere in the range of 8-10 cups a day. For those who are not
mathematically inclined, that's a minimum of 2 litres a day. Water
helps clear your system of waste, clears your skin, and generally
elevates your enegry levels. Many times when you have a headache, feel
hungry, or feel tired, it's actually just dehydration! As well, water
is *free*! If you want to look and feel younger and happier without
spending any money, this is the #1 way to go.
5. Being ridiculously good-looking
You'd be happy too, if you looked like this
It's easy to be pleased with yourself if you look awesome all
the time. Derek Zoolander did it and the guy could barely stay angry
at anyone for longer than 10 seconds! When you look great, you don't
really care about the rest of the world and it's troubles - after all,
you're too busy admiring yourself in the mirror and feeling great about your fantastic hair. Unfortunately, if you're bowling shoe ugly, there's not too
much you can do here. Although you might be able to help yourself out
6. Regular exercise
You've seen the smiles on Dexter Jackson
and Ronnie Coleman
. There is nothing like being 760 lbs of ripped
muscle to give you a joie de vivre
like never before. Even if -
goodness forbid - you're not looking to be as large as a half-ton
truck, going to the gym for about 30-40 minutes a day to do some
strength training and cardiovascular exercise is still beneficial.
You'll look better, you'll feel better, you'll speed up your
metabolism, and you'll reduce your chance of illness. Seriously, just
do a search on the benefits of weight training/regular exercise.
There's such a wealth of evidence for the benefits of this I don't
think I need to go on - just do a search for "benefits of exercise". And the more you work out, the more you'll benefit from:
7. Arm tassels and face paint
Sometimes being happy means making other people happy, and nothing
makes other people more happy than seeing someone running down on the
street with a painted face and arm tassels tied to their swelling biceps. Trust
me, if you do this (especially in conjunction with #3) you will get an
*unprecendented* amount of smiles and cheerful laughter. Wrestling
trunks are an optional part of the look, but I would advise pants if
you're planning on running around like this outside - you'd be
surprised at how cold it can get in the winter.
8. Eating healthy
Can a person *get* any more joyful than this?
If you are looking to feel better, I would suggest cutting out the
junk. Even without exercise, cleaning up your diet will make you feel
lighter and give you a clearer head. High sugar drinks and high sugar
food in particular give you a short-term energy spike that leaves you
crashing a couple of hours later. That McDonalds double quarter
pounder with the extra-large fries may taste good in the short-term, but all it's going to do for you after is give you massive gastric distress and some extra inches on the waistline. In conjuction with #6 (and possibly #7), you have a serious winning combination for happiness power.
Trust me, it ain't worth it9. Robot dogs
When it seems like even all of the above just don't do it, there's always the classic fallback; the robot puppy. They have all of the cuddle and charm of normal dogs without the possibility of
them shedding, randomly defecating, or ripping a toddler's arm off! Unlike a real dog, turning them off is simple and won't get you arrested if you do it yourself. These two alone should be enough to convince you to invest in an AIBO
A.S.A.P, but I've saved the best quality for last: your happiness grows exponentially with the more AIBOS you have
. If you think just *one* AIBO would please you, an entire *fleet* of AIBOs ready to do your bidding will make you positively giddy!
A logical tautology for all you comp sci geeks out there: All real dogs = totally lame, all robot dogs = totally rad. 10. A crapload of money
Some say that "money can't buy happiness". They are liars.
First off, even if money did not make you happy (and it does), it completely beats the crap out of living in poverty-stricken squalor
. We can all agree on that, right? Can you seriously tell yourself that you would be happier if you had to bow out of a Hawaii trip because you couldn't afford it? Does *anyone* out there enjoy being trapped by their finances for most of their natural lives?
Trust me, even if having money itself doesn't make you happy, money can indirectly take care of those things that will make you happier. After all, those spinning rims and massive gold chains aren't free; and it's not like quality arm tassels and face paint are cheap!
Still doubting me? Does *this* look like the face of a guy who is sad to be rich beyond belief?