What we call the beginning of the end

Do you like ignoring phone calls from family and friends?

Have you been waiting for a reason to stop bathing, but could never find a good enough excuse?

Do you enjoy shouting phrases like “You’re not my dad!!” and “I don’t have a problem” at your spouse, your friends, or yourself?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, then I believe a Nintendo Wii is the system for you.

It’s been a while since we last chatted, but from the above you can probably hazard a good guess as to why. The rumors are true – although I was prevented from purchasing a Wii myself because of my Macbook Pro, I was not prevented from receiving it as a Christmas gift from my entire family!!! It seems like years have passed since I naively proclaimed the Nintendo Wii to be the single greatest video game system of all time. Oh, the ignorance of youth!! I was naive, my friends. Tragically naive. And for the first time ever in my life, I will admit…I was wrong. The Nintendo Wii is not the greatest video game system of all time – it is actually the greatest electronic device of all time. The microwave, the cellular phone, the internet – all of them trivial fads by comparison. 

You can't tell me you'd rather have a DVD player over this!

However, the Wii is very much like my own personal Ring of Sauron in the sense that the longer I play it, the more weather-beaten and downtrodden I appear to be. Part of this is due to the severe lack of sleep I’ve been getting the past two weeks, and part of it might be due to my eating nothing but salsa and red corn tortilla chips yesterday; however, that is a story for another time. The point is that I no longer really sleep – in fact, I don’t really do much of anything now other than
1. play the Wii
2. tell my wife I’ll get to taking out the garbage in 5 minutes
3. go back to playing the Wii
4. tell my wife I’ll get to taking the garbage out in 5 minutes
5. repeat steps 1 through 4

Keen-eyed readers among you might have noticed that trivial things like “eating”, “bathing”, “washing”, and “going to the bathroom occasionally” are absent from this list. That is not an oversight on my part, but simply my new prioritization system since receiving this machine. It’s like “Getting Things Done”, only

a) I’m not getting anything done
b) my “Tickler File” is actually our garbage can

Unfortunately, owning the Wii also means that video games are no longer an escape for me. What video gamer out there hasn’t gotten revenge for getting beaten 220-30 in a live game of bowling by beating the crap out of the same person in Street Fighter II, finishing off with a triumphant yell of “IN YOUR FACE”? Trust me, my mother never messed with me on the bowling lanes after that!! But now with the Wii, bowling is accurate enough that because I am a crappy bowler in real life, I am a crappy bowler on the Wii as well. My mother (who, incidentally, stopped playing video games after finishing Q*Bert several times over) now is back to routinely thrashing me at bowling, only now it’s also video game bowling. 

Also, if you get a Wii, be prepared for people who have never played video games before to get involved. Whether it’s my parents, Helen’s parents, Donald’s parents, your parents – I think they’ve all had a turn on my Wii at some point in time.

This leads me to another advantage or disadvantage of the Wii – unintentional perverse puns. “I don’t want just anybody playing with my Wii!” or “Your Wii is so small! I thought it would be a lot bigger”...you name it, I bet George Clingerman has already thought of it. If the thought of telling your friend that “I bet your wife would really like to try out my Wii” amuses or excites you, then the Wii is a must-buy.

It doesn't *look* sick...

One other important thing to note is that when you buy the Wii, you’re not just purchasing a video game system – you’re purchasing friendship. It’s not just people you haven’t seen in a while that come over – no, all of a sudden people you’ve never even met are showing up wanting to “just hang out”. I can tell you that this system will be the boon of any friendless nerd – after you’ve picked this system up you won’t be able to get rid of friends even if you try.

This post is my warning to all of you – resist your inclination to be popular, resist your desire for the purest and most immerse gaming experience that we as human beings have ever come across. Run. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Playing the Nintendo Wii is fun at first – but it soon becomes torture.

But what sweet, sexy torture…now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to bowling practice…

I'll beat you yet, Mom!