[ed: If there's only one message we can glean from this guest post, it's JUST SAY NO to drugs.

I received this in E-mail last week.  Under normal circumstances, I would have just marked it as spam except that it was from D'Arcy Lussier and was titled "Greatest Guest Post EVAR".  Little did I know that my opening this E-mail was opening an EPIC.  I can't tell you my reaction after reading it, because I am still trying to figure it out.  However, one thing I know for certain: I take absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY whatsoever for the content of this guest post.  All images, text, and spelling mistakes are explicitly the property of D'Arcy.

This post has forced me to make an addendum to the rules of our guest post contest.  Now, you can also win a "Potential Friend of Justice Gray" certificate if you are able to explain what the heck this guest post is talking about.  I would be touched by the sheer artistry of it, if only I could understand what strange language it is written in - perhaps one of you speaks Winnipegian and can translate??]

"The Adventures of the Mad Mexican and Black Mu-Stache the Sexually-Oriented Questionable French Pirate! (as told to me by the Mad Mexican)", by D'Arcy Lussier

It started out with a poker game between me, Black Mu-stache the Sexually-Oriented Questionable French Pirate, Castro, and Don Box in Cuba.


I was up big when the US sent in a special task force to try and assassinate the Cuban dictator, led by Richard Simmons...



...they immediately tried to sweat us out to the oldies, but Black Mu-Stache and I escaped with our lives. We hopped on a freight ship leaving for who-knows where.

 

 

We hadn't gotten too far before our ship came under attack! Apparantly Black Mu-stache was somewhat of a ladies man during recent trips to the orient, and now we were under fire from a gang of Asian women-pirates who kept screaming "Why did you dump me at the coffee shop you French whore!?"


Angered that we would bring this upon them, our cuban crew decided that they would throw us overboard. We were only in the water for a few moments before we felt something start to pull us down into the murky depths. We both thought we were gonners.

Until we realized that we weren't! Instead, our heads were surrounded by air bubbles and goth-mermaids were guiding us to an underwater city. They took us in to meet their king! We entered the throne room to be greeted by King Simser, leader of the Underwater Spooky Kids!

 


 We relayed our story to the king, and he began to laugh heartily. At this point, his three children entered: his son Zune, his daughter Vista, and his other daughter Excel 2003. Excel 2003 gave out a loud gasp at the site of Black Mu-stache, and exclaimed that he was the one who had tried to get her drunk with cheap sake and convince her that his aquarium at home was big enough.

We figured that our leave was at hand, and raced into the citys sewer system which whisked us away from the underwater city and expunging us...

At Jabba's palace. I had done some wrestling matches for the Hutts before, so I figured this would be safe.

I'd be so wrong...

We entered and found that Jabba was out, but his brother Donald the Hutt was holding court. Beside him was his favorite entertainer, Steven Rockarts, chained to his side (I always thought Steven in a gold bikini was a little weird, but that's Donald I guess). I greeted Donald and explained that we were looking for a place to party.


Donald was gleefully happy to see us, especially since his shipment of scotch had shown up from Hoth (they don't just make good vodka). I realized that Black-Mu-stache was nowhere to be seen. Worried, I started exploring Donald's pad in hopes of finding him somewhere...and hopefully not in trouble. My hopes were dashed, as I saw him being accosted by some in the court he had offended by insisting that sushi was 10 times better than Indian food any day.

They threw us together in the carbonite chamber, and then everything went black.

We awoke spooning (aaawwwwkwaaaarrrrd), but thawed out. All around us were mushrooms...but they had doors...and windows ...and people living in them...but they weren't people...they were Bellwareurfs...and Native American ones at that!


Thousdands of them descended on us, spears held high above their heads showing that they were interested in one thing, and one thing only: roasting us over an open flame until our eyes melted and our bones became so brittle that they could remove our skulls and  drink our boiled brains out with bendy-straws! We ran...we ran for our lives!!!

"If only some BC resident would come swooping down from the sky swearing at me, we might be saved!"

All of a sudden a chorus of loud squawks could be hurd over head, mixed in with f-bombs! the Bellwareufs scatterd as the  forest ranger Capt. Zak landed on his gryphon in front of us. Thrilled that we had been saved, we flew back to Victoria with him and caught a Westjet flight to Edmonton. But curses: the plane was hijacked and diverted...BACK TO JAPAN!


Those Asian woman-pirates had found us, and weren't about to let us leave! We decided to jump out of the plane and take our chances. We hit the water and started swimming for our lives. A school of dolphins came and helped carry us to an island, an island called...

*AHHHH, I can't stand the lights...so bright...so bright!!! How can I survive...give me my cow back now! I'm so very angry that you took my cow, give me my cow back now!!!! AHHHH*

...so with the money we got from selling Black Mu-stache's kidney, we chartered a plane from Morrocco to Cuba. We'd wasted enough time, Richard Simmons and his minions should be taken care of, and it was a good chance that Box and Castro were up a few hundred pescos on us. We needed to finish the game.

WHAT DOES JUSTICE GRAY MEAN TO ME? YOU DO THE FREAKING MATH HOSERS!