[ed: Continuing our seeming theme of bloggers who need no introduction, today we are featuring a guest post by none other than the infamous Caffeinated Coder Russell Ball.  Russell's blog and the Caffeinated Codey awards that come with it are some of the funniest articles currently on the web today, and I'm not just saying that because I am nominated in several categories for his "Best of 2007" awards! 

You might note that the majority of the links here today (save one) actually go to Gray's Matter articles rather than Russell's blog.  This (and the link to Russell's big crush) are entirely his doing and not mine.  I would also note that all images are Russell's creations; I take no responsibility for any unwanted arousals or orgasms you may experience upon viewing them.  Certainly this is a cunning gambit to try and take the prize of "Greatest Guest Post".  Will it succeed?  Only time will tell.]

Despite what I consider to be an unreasonable restriction on the use of genitalia shots, I decided to take Justice up on his guest post offer and share what the North America's Metrosexual Development Hero means to me. Justice, like a cubic zirconia, has many shiny facets, but here are the ones that mean the most to me.

Justice the Superhero

Who’s faster than Scott Bellware* with a Microsoft conspiracy theory? Who’s more powerful than a hot agilista at a developer conference? Who can leap tall stacks of developer books in a single bound?
Let’s just say they don’t call him Justice for nothing.
Wherever there is a conference abstract that needs to be “sexed up”, he will be there.
Wherever there is a meeting request devoid of exclamation points, bold fonts, and superlatives, he will be there.
Wherever ridiculously hot people are being discriminated against, he will be there.
He may be just a mild-mannered (but extremely good looking) developer by day, but at night when he puts on the giant gold chains and arm tassels he becomes a crime fighter extraordinaire who causes evil-doers everywhere to wet themselves in fear.
With his wild, lustrous mane of hair and his uncanny fashion sense, he protects the world from evil by matching wits with all sorts of villainous characters like the Master of MVC Mayhem, the Mad Mexican, and the Igloo Coder.

Justice the Kung Fu Master

In my naïve state of grasshopperness, I once searched aimlessly for answers to the following questions.

What do Han Solo plush dolls have to do with strong typing? How would spinning rims on a bicycle bring me true happiness? 

How could David Laribee’s nametag magically appear in a person’s suitcase?

Then I met my metrosexual sensei and all my questions were answered.

He schooled my grandma and me in the nuances of globalization, weak typing, or the GAC. He initiated me in the secret ways of AIBO robot dogs.  He made me train from sun up to sun down until I was able to exfoliate and tweeze while blind-folded, standing on one leg, and performing a Celine Dion rendition of the Canadian anthem.

I learned to listen to master Justice. His wisdom is thread-safe and never throws OutOfBounds Exceptions.  

Justice the Patron Saint

Have you ever wept for a beloved pet that had been ravaged by a scripting language?

Have you been tempted by the sinful promises of independent consulting?

Have you ever been sickened by the thought of the poor, deprived children in third world nations who don’t even have a copy of Steve McConnell’s Code Complete book?

Have you ever witnesses the soul-wrenching agony of Martin Fowler being deprived of the object of his man-crush?

Well I have, and the only thing that helps me is to pray to the Patron Saint Justice for guidance. He will set you on the correct spiritual path and help you look damn fine in the process. Just don’t forget to send him a crapload of money afterwards.

Among his followers, autographed photos and the legendary "Potential Friend of Justice Gray" certificates are among the holiest of relics and have been known to cause developers to spontaneously speak in exotic tongues such as Ruby.  

Justice the Player

Finally, the side of Justice that I admire the most is his consummate playerness.

Like programmers everywhere, I have grown tired of being a smelly, poorly dressed, maladjusted geek with little chance of procreating.

What I want more than anything else is to be routinely mobbed by nubile young college co-eds and have female unmentionables hurled at me from every street corner.

In other words, I want to be just like Justice in all of his finely groomed majesty and oozing machismo-soaked glory.

With Justice Gray as my metrosexual role model, I am confident that I will finally break free from my developer impaired sensibilities and never again feel compelled to wear white socks with black pants.

Look out world, there will soon be another Justice Gray striking a pose on the catwalk of life.

In Conclusion

If anyone still has doubts about my deep-seated respect and admiration for Justice Gray, then may your nose sprout forth a giant outgrowth of bushy hair and may your giant walk-in closet be plagued with swarms of Armani suit eating moths.  

What else can I say other than…please hurry back from your vacation, Justice!

I fear that the world is on the brink of chaos without your raw metrosexual, super-heroesque, kung-fu-like, patron saintness to make things right.

We miss you.

* [ed: Yours truly has a very, very, *VERY* good idea of the author of the PurseFight blog, and it's not "The Bell". Since he has disappeared from the face of the planet, however, this is the only link that could be used.]