Not too long ago, I had the pleasure of witnessing the eruption of yet another Mac vs. PC religious war. Someone innocently posted about how they don't deal with viruses anymore after making the move to OSX from Windows.  The response?  A gang-beating from a legion of angry Windows users. One went so far as to tie a person's Windows antivirus software choice with their ability to recommend an OS.  I'm not going to weigh in on this whole argument myself, except to say that the person who made that claim does not have hair, and we all know what that means. 

This got me to thinking: why do we have such a divisive split in the industry when it comes to operating system preference or hardware preference?  Now, thanks to the result of my heavy introspection, I have come up with a unifying and completely unbiased theory that explains why the tech industry is so divided:

your choice of operating system/hardware is directly related to how good-looking you are. 

Mac

Has no problem attracting the opposite sex.   Words used to describe them include "charming", "funny", "sexy", and "I'd hit that".  Often accused of lacking substance; of course, most of the world doesn't actually care if they do or not because they're just too pretty. 

PC

Strictly average.  Words used to describe them include "reliable", "hard-working", and the perennial favorite, "has a nice personality".  Prone to fits of jealousy.  Capable, but overlooked for sleeker and sexier.  Often refer to Mac users as "sluts" or "whores".  Look down on the superficial outside world and its "stupid computer users", but secretly wish they could get invited to the "cool people parties" too.  Constantly talking about how they wish people would "look underneath" to see what they're missing out on.  Believe that Mac owners are secretly unhappy inside*. 

Linux box**

Looks are best not discussed.  Comp sci stereotypes to the nth degree.  Words used to describe them include "gross", "filthy", and "neckbearded" - that goes for men and women alike.  No one even gets close to these people and that's okay, because they are already resigned to the fact they will never touch another human being.  Many of them sit at their computer, teeth clenched, hoping that they can spontaneously procreate asexually.

If you deny this theory, you are denying HARD SCIENCE. 

Yes, TIME MACHINE. 

Go and click the above link, see the movie, cry with delirium, finish touching yourself, and *then* come back here.  Trust me, it's worth it (well, maybe not the touching yourself part, but I'm not here to judge you).  Install Quicktime if you have to - it's *also* worth it just to get a
GLIMPSE!
OF!
GREATNESS. 

For those of you who just can't be bothered, I have linked a Youtube video below.



Taking the concept of version control and applying it across the entire file system is *brilliant*.  But imagine taking the concept of version control, applying it across the entire file system, *and*:

• making that concept easy for the average end user to understand
• making file recovery look like it's straight out of a Hollywood interpretation of computers

This isn't just sexy to the power of 2, or 3, or 1000 - no, this is actually so hot as to be in its own *dimension* of seductive.  I am warning you, do not demonstrate this feature to a member of the opposite sex unless you want all of your clothes RIPPED CLEAN OFF. 

Mac OS X Leopard may be many other things, but one thing you can be sure of is that it is GUARANTEED ACTION.  And really, what more do you want from an operating system? 

Sure, I like Vista.  But I *love* things that make fun of Vista (thanks to David Woods for the pointer).

Does this make me a bad person, or a totally awesome* one?

In the wake of Steven "Buzzkiller" Rockarts' comment on my euphoric iPhone post, let's do some brief calculations.    

• iPhone price = $500 Cdn (we're estimating low for rounding purposes)
• iPhone price * rate that Steven Rockarts loses cell phones = *26 thousand dollars a year* for Steven to own an iPhone
• Number of times that his fiancee will tolerate Steve replacing his iPhone - 0
•  Number of weeks that Steve can show up to work with a black eye and say "I ran into the refrigerator again" without the rest of the office catching on - 2*

No wonder he tried to shut the party down!

Omar Shahine says "Just remember... Steve [ed: Jobs, not Rockarts] has just sold you his dream, and that dream is scheduled to ship at some point. Reality isn't guaranteed to match what he was selling."

Let me tell this readership something - WHO CARES about reality?  If I had dreams as sexy as the iPhone every night, I would be dead of a sleeping pill overdose within 7 days.  Sure, the reality of the iPhone has the *slight* - and I mean *SLIGHT* - chance of being a bigger letdown than the Matrix sequels.  But much like a certain software consultant I know, it also has a 99% chance of being the sexiest thing alive.

I have read Omar's post thanks to Steve's comment, and when you read between the lines on these things, you too will see what I see: raw, volcanic hatred of all things hot and good looking.  Don't let Omar fool you with his "balanced" commentary and "see you in Macworld" - he's probably just going to Macworld to strip off all his clothes in protest of the "Steve Jobs reality distortion field".  Let me tell you something Omar - Steve already tried that trick here at work; thus I can tell you second-hand that public nakedness doesn't solve all of your problems.  

Omar and Steve:  In June, sexy can be your friend too!  If only you'll let it.  

And to Donald, who has told friends that "Justice Gray's love for the iPhone proves he is an asian schoolgirl" - if loving the iPhone made me an asian schoolgirl, then I would be the *hottest* asian schoolgirl ever**.  Admittedly, if I *was* a hot Asian schoolgirl, I don't think I'd ever leave the house!  Maybe I should've left that for one of those "things you don't know about me" posts...

I've made mention of my Macbook Pro many times previously on this blog.  In the spirit of combating D'Arcy's scurrilous lies about Apple, Mac, and Steve Jobs molesting his dog, I stepped in on Rory Blyth's blog to explain D'Arcy's motivations and also express my utter orgasmic joy at how wonderful my Macbook is.  However, it's not fair of me to just tell you "Working on this Mac forces me to change my pants on an hourly basis" and leave it at that...no, my friends.  I know that you want to know *why* my pants need changing.  And starting with the screenshot below, I'm going to tell you!


This is something called the Mac Dashboard.  Loading it is admittedly a *very* complicated procedure, but having used Windows for several years I'm no stranger to convoluted processes.  Here are the instructions for loading the Mac Dashboard:

1. hit F12
2. change pants

This feels like what it would be like if I got paid $1000 for every questionable picture I could find of Steven Rockarts: *vast reward for very little effort*.  Just look at all the stuff the Dashboard does for me with just one key press!  Just hitting F12 lets me see:

• my daily plans
• the weather reports for my two favorite cities
• how badly I am slaughtering Reversi and Sudoku
• the time in Alberta *and* Hong Kong
• that I need to once again change my pants!  

It's also important to note that this isn't *all* that the Dashboard can do.  It's fair to say that the Dashboard possibilities, like pending sexual harassment suits against the Igloo Coder, are potentially *infinite in number*.
 

Not only can you configure, add, and remove any widgets from the Dashboard, but you can also download new ones.  And there are *tons* of new ones at many different sites.  Trust me, if you have a need that doesn't involve something illegal, the Mac Dashboard probably has something that handles it.  

I'm loathe to use Windows comparisons here, but I can sense many users of Windows Vista thinking the Dashboard looks strikingly familiar to Vista's "Widgets" concept.  It is - because *OS X was doing this prior to Vista's release*!  Some people have claimed in the past that the Mac actually ripped this concept off of Konfabulator anyway - however, the Mac actually had something similar called "Desk Accessories" back in 1984.  So did Konfabulator rip off Apple?  Did Apple rip off Konfabulator?  Did D'Arcy rip off all of his clothes in front of his John Bristowe poster before he wrote his Mac-bashing articles?  Does it *really matter*?  

Frankly, if anything, the dashboard concept is ripping *ME* off; we are both great ideas implemented in a terribly sexy way.  Do you see me crying and fussing about it?  No, because I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.   Seriously, what better endorsement can I give you other than this thing is using *ME* as the template?! 

Click here for part 2 - TIME MACHINE~!

Regular readers of this blog, my family, my friends, the girl at the Subway counter, guys who dress up in monkey suits - they all know that my Mac has put me into a state of perpetual ecstacy unseen by humankind.   I will get to that later.  First, I need to talk about how surprised and saddened I was to read about D'Arcy's ongoing trials and tribulations with his Imac machine. 

It took George Clingerman (or "DJ Random Bytes", as he forces his poor wife to call him) and his theory to truly open my eyes.  You see, I originally assumed that one of two things was going on here:

1) D'Arcy simply had a string of bad luck
2) The Apple "Manitoba Protocol" was still active.  For the few of you that are unfamiliar with the Manitoba Protocol, I will explain: Apple is fairly protective of its brand and doesn't like it being released into undeserving areas!  Sometimes a Mac will actually make it into Manitoba instead of being rerouted elsewhere.  In this case, its hard drive is damaged irreparably upon initial boot, by a giant laser beam activated via satellite. 

Reluctantly, I decided I would try to ask the person who would know best about the Manitoba Protocol's existence...the man who designed it in the first place.

SteveJobs69: HEEEEEEEEEY DUDE
Justice~!: Hey Steve, I just had a question
SteveJobs69: I AM SO DRUNK BUDDDY 
Justice~!: That's nice Steve, anyway I was wondering about the deal with the laser beam thing...
SteveJobs69: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(SteveJobs69 has left the conversation)
 
This line of inquiry having failed miserably, I then contacted Apple's technical support to ask them about the Manitoba protocol...

"Thank you for your questions!  Actually, the Manitoba protocol has been removed in OS X 10.4 and above.  As Apple is a humanitarian organization, we figured the best way to improve the plight of third-world areas like Winnipeg would be to allow Macs to grace their existence.  Hopefully seeing what Macs are like in the privledged areas of the world will convince the Winnipegians with style and class to migrate to other areas."

Thus, I just chalked this up to bad luck.  However, George figured out what so many others had missed: D'Arcy was working as an inside agent.  I mean, they guy is a Microsoft user group leader!  So rather than just openly slander Macs, D'Arcy instead pretended to order a Mac and then invented all sorts of "problems" with it, in order to slander the good name of Apple and boost up Microsoft.  It's unfortunate that D'Arcy did not realize that you can like both Windows and OS X at the same time without losing credibility!!  Did D'Arcy do this because he loves Windows?  No.  I think we all know who D'Arcy was trying to impress...


Unlike D'Arcy and his imaginary computer, I have a real Mac at home, and it has improved every aspect of my daily existence.  I have a renewed spring in my step.  People stop on the street to shake my hand, women ask me to sign body parts.  True, this happened to me *before* buying the Mac but it now happens more often!  Colors have *taste* and sounds have smells...it's a transcendental experience.  Applications on this thing have almost as much sultry appeal as yours truly - a fact that continues to astound and delight me every morning when I wake and every evening when I rest.  The Mac has not only made me a better developer, it has made me a better (and more attractive) human being.

Sincerely, the Macbook Pro is wild, sweaty sex in a laptop casing.  And over the next month, I am going to show you why!  It's my obligiation and my responsibility as a Mac user.  And to D'Arcy - one day you should give the Mac an honest chance.  It's truly as great as everyone says it is!

Update: here is the first post in what promises to be a very lengthy series!!
Update #2: and the second in what apparently promised to be a series with a lengthy delay between installments...

I gave a lot of thanks for Edmonton Code Camp, but there was one debt of gratitude I owe that I did not include in my original post, which I am now rectifying.  In fact, I could go so far as to say my part of the presentation at Code Camp would have been a spectacular, unmitigated *failure* if not for...

My custom alpine green Macbook Pro computer~!


Yes, at last I am comfortable announcing to the world that I, too, have been converted to the side of the Mac.  I will admit I am hard pressed to determine which of my two children is more attractive; my Worldvision sponsor son Jaturapat or this Macbook Pro.  I think that the Macbook Pro may have a slight advantage against Jaturapat since Jaturapat, last I checked, does not have a British racing green car paint finish on him.  In fact, due to my own lack of green finish, the Macbook Pro *MIGHT* even be sexier than mysel...no, forget that, it's crazy talk.  CRAZY TALK.

I had been torn about getting a Macbook for some time.  Two things caused me to stop wandering in the darkness and make the switch over to God's notebook:

• The Macbooks have recently switched over to an Intel processor chipset.  This allows for the existence of Windows XP SP2 on the Macbook without use of a virtual machine.  (Of course, ironically I haven't touched Boot Camp at all but spend the majority of my Windows time in Parallels).  Now I have the best of both worlds and can still do .NET development on the machine!
• Ruby.  I originally thought that Ruby was only appreciated by drug-addled elitist hippies.  However, after exploring it without the use of hallucinogens I went from thinking Ruby was just some weird cult thing to being an enthusiastic booster of the language myself.  Of course, this led me to think of the *other* weird cult I had known: that of the Mac.  Seriously, I could *not* understand why some of my friends were so fascinated by these machines to the point of almost threatening me with violence if I did not come over to see their latest install of Mac OS.  But I decided that if the Ruby cultists were right after all, there was a distinct possibility that the legions of Mac-loving psychopaths were right as well.

I can tell you that they were.  This machine is *ridiculous*.  I love it *almost* as much as I love myself.  Some of the other things I've noticed about this exquisite piece of machinery:

• people can't stop putting their hands on it
• people often ask where *they* could get a machine like this to have all to themselves
• I, myself, can't stop looking at it
  
• I have seen women fight over the chance to use it
  
• some of the reactions when I take it outside:
• heads turn
• winking
• whistling
• licking of lips in seductive fashion (flattering most times, but awkward when it's the Igloo Coder)

Is it any wonder I love the Macbook Pro so much?  We have been through the same things in life.

If you are a regular reader of D'Arcy's blog, you'll no doubt be wondering if I had the same trials and tribulations as he did when getting his Mac.  I am happy to say I had no problems at all and that I actually received my Mac *sooner* than I expected.  D'Arcy will tell you this is because I ordered my Mac custom, but I can reveal to you the *real* reason why D'Arcy's Mac was so delayed: because Apple, being a stylish manufacturer, doesn't like to ship its Macs to the "dead zones" of fashion. I've attached a map of Canada to explain: