Gray's Matter - A letter to my WorldVision sponsor child (Justice Gray's blog)

Dear Jaturapat,

Congratulations on being the latest devastatingly good-looking addition to the Gray family. I always assumed that my first son might have had an entirely different name. Something a little more majestic - like Ultra Magnus, or Triple-H. Perhaps you should consider changing your name to one of these? Anyway, this letter isn't about my wonderful ability to choose names for children - it is all about you.

You've likely noticed from my picture that you share the same rugged "je ne sais quoi" that your sponsor father does! This is intentional, as your sponsor father does not sponsor ugly kids. You see, your father lives by a little something called "The Rule of 10". You see, if you give each person an ranking on the hotness scale from 1 to 10, you will rarely ever see a couple that is separated by more than 3 points; when you do, they are doomed to failure. The same goes for this family - being that your sponsor father is a 10+ and your sponsor mother is a 13+ out of 10, there's no way you would have fit in with this family if you didn't have some Zoolander-esque hotness going for you.

The Worldvision people tell me that while I can send you letters, I should not send you gifts or toys because it might cause jealousy among the other children in your Thailand village. Pfft!! Let me tell you something, Jaturapat, when your sponsor father is paying $40 a month on your behalf, he will send you anything he *likes*!! I know you're already thinking you're pretty spoiled considering who you have as parents, but that's going to be nothing once you get your own set of Transformers: Cybertron minicons and a copy of Steve McConnell's Code Complete! Use them well, and use them wisely. If the other kids get jealous, let them - you're also far better looking than the rest of them, so they're jealous already. You're going to have to get used to this sort of thing in your life; it's a good thing that I'm getting you prepared early.

Who wouldn't be thrilled with these? (click to enlarge)

There's a lot of responsibility involved in being my sponsor son, Jaturapat. Just like many parents out there, I am going to be trying to live out all of my unaccomplished dreams straight through you; this limits your future career options to ninja or professional WWE wrestler. This explains why your "care package" also has some whey protein in it; you are going to need to start some hard-core training. There's no way I'll allow any son of mine (sponsored or otherwise) to be less than 200 lbs of ripped muscle by age 10!! I've attached an autographed "Potential Friend of Justice Gray" certificate for the times you're feeling a little less motivated, or in the event you just want to show off to your friends.

I'm sure this is all quite a bit to take in, Jaturapat, so I'm going to say my goodbyes for this letter. I look forward to hearing reports on your progress. As your grandfather would say, keep training, saying your prayers, and taking your vitamins!

Your sponsor dad,
Justice Gray

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Comments [7] Personal |
Tracked by:
"Scott Bellware vs. .NET Rocks - what it's *really* all about" (Gray's Matter) [Trackback]
"Is Justice the next Rory of the .NET blogsphere?" (Jason Row) [Trackback]
"The forgotten thank you" (Gray's Matter) [Trackback]

Justice Gray: a seething cauldron of rampaging masculinity. A fighter! A brother! Your secret lover! He's also a software development consultant and the Vice President of the Edmonton .NET user group. He also greatly enjoys speaking about himself in the 3rd person.

Gray's Matter Archives